Toronto Tuesday

The travelers are on their way to Toronto.  All boys will have EUA's, and Luke will have his left eye enucleated (removed).

Leslie asked me to share some of her thoughts, as she has prepared for this journey.  This is a battle full of mixed emotions -- ups and downs...


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Leslie:

It's late at night, I'm tired, and really don't want to go.  But I really want to share some of the thoughts I've had lately.

You would think going through this for the 3rd time, I would learn to cope better. I know we are so fortunate that each of the boys have one really good eye.  I wholeheartedly know that is a blessing, and most of the time I can look at it that way. They don't need 2 eyes to have very happy and normal lives. That being said, there is just something about saying goodbye to an eye. It means that cancer won a battle.  That makes me angry and frustrated.  

The thought of removing an eye is heartbreaking as a mother, but that's just the "thought" of it.  The actual stuff we deal with is probably different than most realize.  Once the eye is enucleated, the prosthetic eye requires a lot of maintenance.  For example, there is consistent goop and cleaning and readjusting.  Cosmetically, although prosthetics have come a long way, the eye will never look the same as a real eye.  

In addition, you live your life in fear. The "What ifs" set in, and you are plagued with thoughts of worst case scenarios.  

'What if tumors start to grow in the only good eye left?'  

'What if he injures his only seeing eye?'  

That is the worry I feel about his eyesight, not to mention the constant anxiety of, 

'What if his cancer spreads'?  Or, 

'What if he develops a new type of cancer?' (as they are more likely to do).  

The doubt of wondering,

'What if we are making the wrong decision?' or  

'What if the Dr's accidentally remove the wrong eye?'   

Those ugly nightmares are all too real for me.

I know bad news can happen any time; we experienced that fear with Mason, and it was absolutely awful. Thinking these thoughts can consume you, and drain your happiness.  The "what ifs" are not a healthy tenant in ones mind.  So, I only let myself dwell on them for a very brief time.  I'm not trying to create a pity party, I just wanted to share them, so others might better understand how real and hard this can be.

Now, on to my attempts to be optimistic.  :)  

About a week ago, I couldn't fall asleep as I was worried sick about Luke's upcoming enucleation.  I kept thinking, "Are we making the right decision?"  I know we are, I've had that reassurance more than once, but that dang doubt and 'what if' mentality can really make you question yourself.  I've had a few months to doubt our decision this time, time to play that game.

In one of my evenings filled with doubt, I decided to look up the word "eye" in the scriptures. I came across some beautiful verses that were very powerful to me. While I know these scriptures don't literally mean one single eye, I am going to interpret them that way for my sake as it gives me a lot of comfort and hope...

Mathew 6:22 --

The light of the body is the eye; if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.

Matthew 18:9 --

And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: It is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.

Mosiah 18:21 --

And he commanded them that there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith, and one baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and love one towards another. 

D&C 4:5 --

And faith, hope, charity, and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work.


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I know Leslie would certainly appreciate the prayers of comfort and hope as they make this trek.  So many of you have said prayers on the Low's behalf.  They can feel them.  Thank you for your compassion and love and support.